Why I Say “We” in Complex Trauma Therapy
Shame, fear of judgment, isolation, and low self-worth are symptoms of Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) that can interfere with feeling safe in connection with a therapist. Having a therapist that has lived experience of C-PTSD can offer something very special.
Anna Lacey, LCSW
7/31/20264 min read
Why I Say "We" in Complex Trauma Therapy
Having Complex Trauma (C-PTSD) often involves feeling misunderstood, misinterpreted, and isolating. Often my clients begin therapy with a heavy feeling of shame that can make connection with a therapist scary and difficult. That's why I feel it is so important that I am able to connect with my clients and talk from the perspective of "we" instead of "you." It is very powerful to feel seen and understood, and in some ways, only a clinician with lived experience of Complex Trauma can connect with someone seeking therapy for this mental health condition.
I love providing psychoeducation to help decrease the feeling of disconnection and shame. I say things like, as survivors of C-PTSD, we have been brainwashed into believing that we can't trust ourselves. We may feel ashamed of having needs. We may become fiercely independent, highly attuned to other people’s moods, or convinced that we are too much and not enough at the same time.
I use “we” deliberately.
I understand complex trauma as a clinician, but I also understand what it is like to live within its suffering. I know how painful beliefs about the self can form quietly and become so deeply internalized that they no longer feel like beliefs. They feel like facts.
I am a burden.
Something is wrong with me.
My needs do not matter.
I cannot trust myself.
I have to handle everything alone.
These beliefs often sit beneath the symptoms we call C-PTSD. They influence how we relate to others, how we interpret conflict, what we expect from love, and whether we believe we are allowed to take up space.
I am able to provide the emotional logic beneath the symptom.
For example:
People-pleasing may be organized around the belief, “Other people’s comfort is more important than mine.”
Extreme independence may protect the belief, “Needing someone will lead to disappointment or shame.”
Perfectionism may grow from, “I must earn safety, approval, or belonging.”
Emotional shutdown may protect against, “My feelings will be criticized, ignored, or used against me.”
Chronic self-doubt may reflect, “My perceptions cannot be trusted.”
Isolation may protect against, “If people truly know me, they will reject me.”
I do not simply recognize the symptoms and behaviors of suffering from C-PTSD. I recognize the core belief and adaptation working together, and I see the path to healing.
I listen for what the symptom is protecting
In complex trauma therapy, I am rarely interested only in stopping a symptom. I want to understand what the symptom has been trying to do. C-PTSD often involves people being afraid and ashamed of their intrusive thoughts of being less than, of being unlovable. A client may describe overexplaining, apologizing, withdrawing, striving, dissociating, or becoming overwhelmed during conflict. Beneath those experiences, I often hear an old belief about the self:
I have to prove that I am not bad.
I must make myself understandable before I can be accepted.
I cannot risk making another person angry.
My needs will cost me connection.
Symptoms make more sense when we understand the internalized beliefs they are organized around. What appears irrational in the present may have been a remarkably intelligent attempt to preserve safety, attachment, or dignity in the past.
My lived experience helps me recognize this terrain. My clinical training helps me hold it carefully, distinguish my experience from the client’s, and help each person discover the particular meaning of their own adaptations.
“We” does not mean our stories are the same
When I say “we,” I am not claiming that I know exactly what another person has endured. Complex trauma is shaped by family, culture, identity, loss, relationships, temperament, and countless other factors. No two histories are identical.
“We” means something different.
It means I am not observing complex trauma from a safe distance and describing it as though the person in front of me is a collection of symptoms. It means I understand how shame can become confused with identity. I understand how survival responses can persist long after the original danger has passed. I understand why being told to “just trust yourself” or “set better boundaries” may feel impossible when the deeper belief is that having needs threatens connection.
“We” is my way of communicating:
You are not defective.
Your responses have a history.
There is an understandable reason you learned to survive this way.
You do not have to feel alone in it.
What I bring into the therapy space
My work is shaped by two forms of knowledge. One comes from education, clinical training, years of therapeutic practice, and the study of complex trauma. The other comes from having had to understand these patterns from the inside.Together, they allow me to notice how traumatic invalidation becomes internalized, how core beliefs become embedded in identity, and how protective parts organize themselves around shame, fear, and unmet needs.
I may hear “I am lazy” and wonder whether the person is exhausted from chronic hypervigilance.
I may hear “I am too sensitive” and wonder who taught them that their emotional responses were unacceptable.
I may hear “I do not need anyone” and recognize the pain of having once needed people who were unable or unwilling to respond.
I may hear “I ruin every relationship” and look for the frightened part that expects abandonment before it happens.
This is not about telling clients what their experience means. It is about helping them become curious about the meanings they were forced to create—and making space for new ones.
Closing
Therapy with me is not special because I have every answer or because my story gives me access to someone else’s inner world. It is special because I understand complex trauma from more than one vantage point. I have developed a synthesis of DBT, IFS and Schema Therapy because that's what I learned in order to heal myself, and this framework works beautifully for my clients.
I know how symptoms can feel like personal failures. I know how deeply negative beliefs can become embedded in the self. I also know that when those beliefs are understood in context, they can begin to loosen.
The movement is often from, "Something is wrong with me," to "Something happened to me," and eventually "I adapted. I survived. And I am capable of relating to myself differently now."
That is why I use the word “we.”
Not because our stories are the same, but because healing from complex trauma should not require anyone to feel studied, pathologized, or alone.
To learn more, click here.
Related blog posts:
https://letthelightintherapy.com/what-are-core-beliefs-how-trauma-shapes-the-way-you-see-yourself
https://letthelightintherapy.com/why-understanding-complex-trauma-is-part-of-healing